chevaleros | 7rings: harrow

[ She's a little surprised to be called out like this, but Harrow's not wrong. It is hard to speak to anyone, but on this particular week, she is the the one she has the most difficulty approaching. Obviously.

And maybe that is unfair. Because Harrow is tenderhearted, and has only been trusting and supportive of her—from the beginning to now, a time that feels like they're bordering the end, which is part of the problem.

She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, hesitation forming like a tight wall, and it doesn't quite break down. ]

...It's all right. I'm all right.

[ She shifts in her seat, facing Harrow properly. ]

But perhaps I am afraid because I haven't been so open with you.

[Harrow would absolutely hate that Vira considers her 'tender-hearted' but she isn't wrong. The confession definitely sends a spike of nerves through her, though. That could mean so many things.]

. . . About something in particular?

[ She feels the prickle of nerves, but marches on now that she's decided on this. ]

About why I'm here. ...It's related to Katalina, of course. I didn't want to be separated again. But as I said, I was also trying to distance myself from distraction, like our... her crew, with whom I'd been traveling with for some time.

[ The people she'd tried to eliminate before, back in that memory. A bunch of soft-hearted hero types who forgave her before she'd even apologized. ]

They're the sort of people who wouldn't allow themselves to be strangers, even when I was cruel. I thought to come here meant I could escape them, and devote myself to Katalina wholly again—I arrived certain that I could do anything for our future without remorse or reservation.

[ Then she failed immediately, with Mercy. ]

...So I do not want to rely on you or anyone overmuch. [ There is an uncertain shift in her feelings that doesn't match her words—whether she wants to confide in others, in Harrow, she is simply not very good at it. There is a mix of guilt and reluctant fondness there. ] For my wish to come true, I've long realized that I need to be alone.

[ translation from anime melodrama: fellas is it unfaithful to care about anyone but your crush ]

[Hmm. Well. It's emotion share week, so she can't really hide the fact that she feels sad for Vira. An emotion she would normally keep to herself, but she can't, can she? She just - doesn't really understand, at all.]

If you say so. [But there's doubt and a little frustration there.] I suppose I have also worried that I have allowed circumstances here, and the things I want for the future, to make me too soft.

But I don't know what you think might happen. That I will hold you back from fulfilling your wish? I don't intend to.

[ She sighs, softening a little. ]

I know you wouldn't.

[ She knows that, but there's still some confusion there. ]

...Truthfully, I don't even know what to expect. [ Or what she's so scared of? Harrow's frustration echoes in her. ] I just know that I continue to depend on you, when I know there will come a time when we will all have to let go.

[ Soon, probably. ]

Of course.

[Soon, probably. The thought makes her a little desperately sad. Not only the notion of parting with Vira, but everyone here she's come to care for. Her life before this was so empty.]

. . . I have had similar thoughts. About whether it is wise, to become accustomed to the way things are here, when it is all temporary.

[ There is a hollow aching in her that answers back, resigned but pained. ]

...Yes. I came here to escape such things, but instead I find myself wondering if I have made a mistake.

[ It's complicated. She doesn't exactly regret it, but she is afraid. Of Harrow and her future especially. It is frightening, how much she cares. ]

I have never handled goodbyes well.

[That a complicated question, isn't it? She frowns, thinking of her own worries about this; the sadness is a little less acute than it was for a few weeks.]

You say you came here, hoping to distance yourself from distraction, but I wonder whether - if the same distractions continue to plague you, perhaps it is because you wish them to?

[Her emotions are so awkward right now, like she feels she can't possibly be thinking to give Vira advice. It isn't as though she's an expert in how not to be a mess.]

. . . Not in that you ought to give up on your wish, or on your beloved. But I wonder whether such things are truly a detriment to the future you desire?

[ Her awkwardness is a little endearing—and it's not like Vira's any good at accepting advice, so the struggle is requited. But she listens, one mess to another, wrinkling her nose slightly, like she might object to this accusation that she likes the company of others?

She speaks clearly, practiced and poised, though her feelings are much more clumsy. ]

It is more that... She was all that sustained me. In our six years apart, I never needed help nor desired company; my happiness relied solely in being with her.

[ Even now thinking of Katalina sends a fluttery feeling through her, though it isn't as all-consuming as it once was, hedged with sadness. Her voice goes soft, rueful. ]

Now, I do not know what happiness might be without you or the others. [ Can one devote their whole heart in so many ways? Does one not impede the other? ]

[Even if it's making Vira sad, it sounds good to her. She is probably more understanding of the notion of devoting your whole heart to one single person than most people here would be, being a romantic, a religious fanatic, and in general extremely extra. But she still can't truly support Vira in her desire to be alone with one person who doesn't even seem to want that from her.

She wouldn't try to argue Vira out of how she feels, even though maybe any reasonable person would, but she feels a little glad all the same.]

. . . I have been learning that happiness is not what I thought it was.

I expected it would only exist in grand moments, experiences of ecstasy. The way it was when I first looked upon the Body; the way it would be when I finally fulfilled my purpose and restored my House.

But I don't necessarily think anymore that being sustained and being happy are the same thing. I find happiness exists more in the smaller moments. Watching you bully Sasazuka into going to the spa, or going - going grocery shopping with Sheila, learning someone's name for the first time, seeing the ocean. [A little twinge of a bittersweet emotion.] Flowers and circuses, perhaps. But mainly company.

It would make me sad, to think you felt you had to give those things up in order to be with Katalina.

[ There is a spark of unguarded fondness as Harrow recalls so much that she herself has enjoyed—it is remarkable, how much they've found in such a horrible place, even if it is in such small and passing moments.

Though for some time now, it'd felt corrosive. Like happiness itself was somehow eating at her spirits. Even so, when Harrow frames it like this, she is reluctant to let any of it go. ]

It is as you say. Perhaps purpose and sustenance are not always one with happiness.

[ And she had been at peace with that, before coming here. Her feelings are disrupted now as she leans against the back of the beach chair, observing Harrow. ]

...You are important to me, Harrowhark. I've long lost interest in the seas and skies, but if you enjoy the ocean, then I can find a new loveliness to it. This place makes it so I can't deny or hide that.

[ And that closeness—a fondness and comfortable sort of love compared to her feverish devotion to Katalina—sits underneath all her fear from this week, easy to feel but more difficult to accept, and impossible to obscure forever. ]

Your sadness was never my intent. Please don't allow me to cause you concern. [ She's not used to being worried over. ]

[Sorry that Harrow finds that the most romantic thing anyone has ever said. Sometimes you're really into declarations that belong in a romance novel. She can't exactly hide either, how much she likes hearing them. Her own feelings towards Vira, which are somewhat complex - she thinks she's beautiful, finds her strength inspiring, cares about the ways in which she seems fragile - but she also fears her a little, because she's never loved anyone she's felt she couldn't control.

She likes to know, when she gives her heart to something, that she'll be able to keep it, if she wants to, or lock it away somewhere safe where it can never be taken. But Vira seems just as likely to bolt, or slip away.

It's new, and a little disconcerting, but it feels worth it to try, even if it's only for now.]

You haven't caused my sadness. Quite the contrary.

7rings: harrow

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