7rings: harrow

[chevaleros]

how do i not have any lesbian shitposts, i'm a sham

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[bonetiddies]

[Does it? Vira's probably smart enough to pick up on how it very much seems like Harrow's current fucked up memories are something she, at some point, knew would happen to her, and to speculate from there. But Harrow can't really concentrate on these details or put them together; it gives her a headache when she tries.]

In some ways, I think it's easier. I have always done my duty to the Ninth. Now I do my duty to my own self, fulfilling the bargain that was made. I never have to doubt whether it was worth it, or fear losing my chance.

[. . .]

Despair has said that they can do something to correct the problem with my memories. I've been trying to decide whether it's a good idea or not.

[chevaleros]

[ She's seen enough pieces that she can put together a rough idea. And she looks a little conflicted, resting her fingers against her cheek in thought for a moment. ]

...Why hesitate? If I may ask.

[bonetiddies]

Ah. Two reasons, one strategic and one personal.

[She sighs, thoughtful for a moment. It would be nice not to have random brain aneurysms? But.]

During my convalescence I was in a state of. . . despondency, as great as I have ever known. [And given she was suicidal at the age of ten, that's saying something.] I was afflicted with phantom emotions I could hardly understand, but it kept me bedridden, useless. Eventually it gave way to a sort of productive numbness. I think it is only in the past few weeks that I have begun to feel something like my old self again.

I fear reopening a wound that will leave me in a state where I can be of no help to anyone here. I suppose it would be productive for despair indulgence, but little else.

And I also. . . [She looks down at her hands, as though trying to remember something.]

The letter I wrote myself. My own instructions were clear not to try to fix it. It was said in a way which was - compelling to me, I suppose.

[She'll recite, from memory: ]

"Understand that I envy you more than I have ever envied anyone, and that I look upon your birth as a blessing. Look upon me as a Harrowhark who was handed the first genuine choice of our lives; the only choice ever given where we had free will to say, No, and free will to say, Yes. Accept that in this instance I have chosen to say, No."