7rings: harrow

[chevaleros]

how do i not have any lesbian shitposts, i'm a sham

Comments

[bonetiddies]

Ah. Two reasons, one strategic and one personal.

[She sighs, thoughtful for a moment. It would be nice not to have random brain aneurysms? But.]

During my convalescence I was in a state of. . . despondency, as great as I have ever known. [And given she was suicidal at the age of ten, that's saying something.] I was afflicted with phantom emotions I could hardly understand, but it kept me bedridden, useless. Eventually it gave way to a sort of productive numbness. I think it is only in the past few weeks that I have begun to feel something like my old self again.

I fear reopening a wound that will leave me in a state where I can be of no help to anyone here. I suppose it would be productive for despair indulgence, but little else.

And I also. . . [She looks down at her hands, as though trying to remember something.]

The letter I wrote myself. My own instructions were clear not to try to fix it. It was said in a way which was - compelling to me, I suppose.

[She'll recite, from memory: ]

"Understand that I envy you more than I have ever envied anyone, and that I look upon your birth as a blessing. Look upon me as a Harrowhark who was handed the first genuine choice of our lives; the only choice ever given where we had free will to say, No, and free will to say, Yes. Accept that in this instance I have chosen to say, No."