chevaleros | 7rings: harrow

[ It's not like Vira needs much encouragement from weekly events, but in any case, she sighs. ]

I don't know what to do with myself when I'm idle.

[ It's easier to be on the move, a shark that's always swimming. ]

Though it would be nice to indulge in something besides sadness though, hm? Maybe there's some catharsis to be found in sleeping too much, or being reckless.

I'm the same way. Without purpose, I either waste my days entirely or become irrational. God himself once told me I needed a hobby.

[So that's bad. But she considers the thought.]

Being so incessantly maudlin is fun neither for I nor those around me. What recklessness would you propose?

[ she raises a brow at that. when a celestial being judges your life choices...

though she has no leg to stand on. ]

Extracurriculars can only do so much. [ she has had several hobbies, solely to waste time. ] And I propose that you indulge with me. We offered to help each other, but I think the only times we've actually indulged together was with our joint suffering.

[ terrible! effective, but terrible. ]

Ah - indulge? By which you mean?

[Stop being such a bottom, Harrowhark. She obviously gets the implication; her ears are flushed dark.]

[ oh, when not even face paint can save you. vira smiles, feeling a little mean in the nicest way possible. ]

I mean we fight, of course. [ harrow could use a wrath indulgence, probably. ] Why, what ever came to mind?

[ she's teasing, gently pinching harrow's ear in the process. ]

[Oh my god. Vira. She shoves her head away from her. But it's only the indignation of having been brutally teased, and having no response for it.]

Vira. You know I cannot fight you!

[ hehe ]

Might I suggest working out from time to time?

[ she's so twiggy... vira's just giving her a hard time though, instead taking harrow's hands neatly in hers. it's more casual than she'd usually be, honestly, but this week is ridiculous. ]

Then let's do this—you can tell me a little more about yourself. Not your rank, or your history, but the things you like and that you don't.

I'm a necromancer. It isn't necessary for what I do.

[She's feeling so - she doesn't even know. Teased, affectionately touched, and now told to answer ice breaker questions. But she'll let Vira take her hands, obviously a little embarrassed.]

. . . I'm afraid this answer is likely to bore you. I dislike most things that any person would like. [Please name a fun or not morbid thing. She probably doesn't care for it.] I like bone. It was my duty to learn, but I have always loved working with bone. It is less messy than flesh, and so intricate and malleable. The honeycomb structure of it is beautiful. I like understanding things that are too difficult for others to grasp, and being better at things than other people. I love Drearburh - its ancient catacombs and stone walls, its bells, its coffins filled with ancient skeletons. I love the Tomb.

[ it occurs to her that she knows very little about the people here—their favorite foods and times of day, the meaningless little details. she doesn't even know to what degree harrow hates fun.

terrible. ]

Harrowhark, a boring answer would be that you like collecting swords, or that you enjoy languishing in mediocrity.

[ her tastes are morbid, but—well, it's certainly not boring. ]

That you feel passionately about something is what makes you interesting.

[This response seems to embarrass her a little - she doesn't know what to do with it, so she scowls a little.]

Go on and tell me yours, then.

[ being mean as a defense mechanism is very funny and it doesn't faze her. ]

My passion? Katalina.

[ does that count. ]

My answers would be very mundane compared to yours. I've never been particularly attached to a particular place or people. Most everything I excel at I find quite boring.

Katalina.

[Her beloved, then. The frankness of the answer startles her. After praising her own interests, she admits to something so unhappy. But then again, they are both on Despair.]

I don't find it mundane. I understand it, to a degree. Ordinary things can have such a hollowness, without an anchor. My heart has always belonged to the Locked Tomb - without it, I could not find any meaning in anything else.

[It's an irrational attachment, beyond a religious fervor and more of an obsession. But it feels harder to be so attached to a living and breathing person, a person who could be taken from you, or choose to leave you behind.]

[ Listening to Harrow can be unsettling, like her own feelings are given shape and form through another person's words. All the same, she nods her head from where it's still leaned against Harrow's shoulder. ]

Yes, exactly. My life and my love has been with Katalina for years—before I knew her, I was listless. I spent life asleep and dreaming of nothing.

[ There's complications when your entire life revolves around a singular axis like this. Harrow's Tomb, Vira's love. No matter how beautiful the rest of the world may be, how could she enjoy it without Katalina? ]

I've never needed more. Though lately, I feel that... [ she hesitates, wrestling with some words before she asks her, quiet and thoughtful. ] If the Tomb takes up so much space in your heart, do you ever fear for loving something else? That something may step beside it—may even overtake it?

[Vira. . . she doesn't know that she has a good answer to this question, but she wants to have one. Because Vira deserves more. There's a sort of ugly part of her that feels as though . . . if Katalina left her behind, if Katalina would stay with her only out of some sense of obligation, then what makes her worthy of such an intense devotion? She has never understood how to love anything in moderation.

She leans back against Vira, reaches for her hand.]

. . . I told you once that I fell in love on the day I decided to die. But I had spent many years before that wanting very badly to die. The circumstances of my birth are - let us call it something very ugly, very monstrous, and leave it at that. I didn't want to be a monstrous thing. I didn't understand why I should be alive under these circumstances, all of it for the sake of guarding whatever was locked inside that Tomb.

So I set out to break in and see what was in there, and decide once and for all whether any of it was worth it. But - it was worth it. I couldn't explain it to you in any way that wouldn't sound irrational, only that after . . . I felt as though there was some meaning to my birth. If I wasn't who I am, I couldn't have managed to break in and I wouldn't have been able to see her.

That feeling has carried me a long way - but finding something else, other meaning alongside that . . . that would be a great relief to me. [She considers that for a moment, and then a little more hesitantly.] Has been a great relief to me. Meaning is enough, but there is so little comfort in it.

Edited 2021-03-09 13:58 (UTC)

[ Harrow says she cannot explain it fully, but though she doesn't have the details, Vira understands the impact of it all. To not know what to live for, unable to even imagine what the shape of it might be, and suddenly finding the answer.

It is a brilliant moment, and she's happy that Harrow has found it. She finds herself wishing for her happiness in general, quietly hoping that's possible with her mind as fragmented as it is, wondering what would make it so if not. ]

...I'm grateful that you found her and your meaning, so we might meet.

[ Her voice doesn't turn bright, but it's soft as she comfortably threads her fingers between Harrow's own. There is still something gnawing at her, but surprisingly, she still feels like smiling. ]

Though I would never think you monstrous. You've been a lovely companion to me all this time, Harrowhark—and you're also very cute, of course.

[ And now, back to teasing. ]

[Her ears go dark again at that comment, even though it is ridiculous. It is not cute. But she'll still let Vira take her hand, squeeze her fingers back, even if she's pouting a little.]

I'm grateful to have met you as well, even if you insist on teasing me today. Vira, you were telling me something serious.

[ Pouting is cute though... Vira stops heckling her long enough to fall silent; she knows she has to make a confession this week, but it's a difficult task for her, put off for days now and only shared in the privacy of their room. ]

Of course. I need to confess that you... rattle me.

[ It's very, very difficult to say that much, her words hesitant and halting, like by saying it, she's admitting defeat. But it gets a little easier once she's started. ]

...I'd sworn to be alone, so that my every thought was dedicated to Katalina. [ she was, frankly, obsessed with her. viciously so, for a very long time. harrow had felt it for herself. ] But before I came here, I could feel our bond start to change. Everything in me yearns and beats for her still, but it no longer fulfilled me, not wholly. I thought that coming here and distancing myself from any distractions would help, but...

I cannot help but feel close to some of you. You most of all. [ Harrow called it a relief, but she's scared to accept that. ] That I can even talk to you so openly speaks to how weak my heart has grown. Even so, I want to help you, to learn more of you and be near you. To... talk to you more.

Oh.

[She doesn't know what to do with this - with the sincerity, with the fact that she's hearing these words at all. It's hard for her to picture herself in this light, as something worth reaching out towards.

But it's somehow not hard to understand why Vira would think so. She understands Vira a little by now, too.

She - will take the hand entwined with hers and bring it to her mouth, press a kiss to the back of it.]

You awe me, Vira. [She has relied so very much on her, her fellow in Despair. Vira never behaved as though she needed to rely on anyone in return. That she would admit to as much now is very precious.] And you are unnervingly dear to me, which I hope you do know. Whatever you say, I could never think your heart was weak. But I would do whatever was in my power to soothe it. As you have done, often, for me.

[ Vira is used to praise, unmoved by it—too conceited to care, really, except in moments like these. Katalina was the first person to humble her, her crew's captain the second, and now perhaps Harrow is the third.

Because unnervingly dear hits very close to her own feelings, which is not so unexpected, because Harrow is alarmingly easy to embrace and understand. Her hand and her face feel warm before she ducks in without thinking, inhibitions worn out by the week's effects as she kisses her, lingering for a long, doting moment before pulling away, as though in gratitude. ]

—Thank you, Harrowhark. If I've eased your woes in any way, then I'm glad. I know we're meant to indulge in despair, but perhaps it's not so bad to have some reprieve from it from time to time.

[ Is that counterproductive? Is this not its own indulgence? She'll worry about it next week. ]

[She should be expecting the kiss - the moment is intimate, the words they're speaking to one another sincere - but somehow she is, anyway. She's kissed a few people here by now. It's outside her nature, to be so easy with physical contact of any kind, but the circumstances of their being here make it different. If it helps her meet her goals, and she doesn't mind doing it, why not? She has no vow of celibacy to uphold nor any great love waiting for her outside the grave.

It's a little different, though, to kiss someone back not because you think you may as well, but because you would really like to kiss her.

Still, she lets Vira draw away, smiling slightly, looking a little flushed but pleased.]

We are meant to do what we would like to do, are we not? So I think it must be permitted.

7rings: harrow

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