You are dying, wounded and injured beyond anything you'd normally allow to happen to you.
The Holy Grail could heal you if you wished for it, but you've already made your wish, haven't you? Once, twice, you've made a wish.
(—Very well, this is my wish: To make Cú Chulainn king. A wicked king, enough to rival even me.)
And he did turn out to be a wicked king equal to even you, didn't he? This man you hated, this man you couldn't forgive, this man you wanted to have more than anything else—
Is he everything you wanted? Is someone who is the least kingly king in the world who you wanted? Is someone who sealed away their joy once they became king someone you wanted?
You think, you love Cú Chulainn. You love him so much. You wanted him so much you made a wish for him. You love him you love him you love him—
But is it love? You're happy he praised you finally. After all this time, he finally praised you. He acknowledged you as someone by his side. He acknowledged you as queen, and you are happy.
Is this love? Do you know what love is?
All you know is in your final moments is that you wanted someone who could be by your side. Someone worthy to be by your side. Someone who wants to be by your side.
Someone who could love you for who you are, for everything that you are.
And you don't know if you've ever had that. For all the lovers you've ever had, have you ever had that? Have you ever been truly loved? Have you ever loved?
Isn't it funny? How much you don't know if you know love once you think about it.
Isn't it funny? That you're using something you once created to go after the man next to you in order to aid him? Isn't it? Isn't it funny?
(Even now, you know he isn't yours, but you're dying, so it's okay to say so, isn't it?)
Those that oppose you think so little of your ambitions, of how strong your desires are, of what made you queen.
This is your legend.
You'd go to any lengths just for you want, and even as you die, you say that you've been saved, but have you?
You're angry, humiliated, and vexed, but helping someone you (think you) love—
Is this what you wanted?
Your final wish on the grail could destroy everything in this era, if it succeeds. ]
No—
[ Medb sucks in a quick breath and watches Vira very carefully. ]
[ Vira smiles in greeting, but the next second they're dying. It's odd, being in someone's head—to be, for an instant, truly connected. She feels with Medb felt in those final moment, every chaotic and conflicting feeling in her heart, the strength of a wish so strong it could fell reality.
It's overwhelming, but Vira holds it all until the smoke clears and they're in the gardens.
She exhales slowly, taking a seat as she processes her own feelings separate from Medb's, grounding herself in the reality of the greenery and roses around her. It takes a moment as she searches for words, speaking softly. ]
...Love is a complicated thing, isn't it? So barbed and painful for all that it is beautiful.
[ Medb, for once, isn't sure what to say in response.
There is so much in that memory that could be damning. There is nothing that Medb won't stand by still, as terrible as she is, but the humiliation of her loss is fresh in her mind (of all her losses—the country that could have been hers, the Cú that could have, should have been hers, as broken as she made him).
Why does Vira focus on this when there are other things that are telling? ]
... I didn't use to think it was complicated.
[ It's strange (pitiful) that this has to come up like this.
Medb always knows what she wants and desires, but is that love? ]
I chase after whatever I want because that's how I am.
[ Is it strange, that Vira's priorities are aligned with love? Had she not said how important it was to her? People didn't seem to believe that, considering her demeanor, but it's true. ]
I will not fault ambition, though I may have stood in your way, if circumstances called for it. Because I am not someone who would give up what she wants, either.
[ She will admit it freely, because she would save the world if she had to, if it meant saving what she loved in it. She would destroy what she needs to, as well. ]
But had you discovered what you truly wanted, by the end of things?
[ It is not that Medb doesn't think Vira wouldn't prioritize love, but she thinks it'd be her own love that would be a focal point rather than someone like hers. For someone who doesn't know if she knows what love is (even though she likes to think she does, even if though she thinks she should), the stakes in this place only rise the longer they stay. ]
That is something I like about you, Vira.
[ Her words are soft but not untrue. Vira's drive is something Medb likes a lot. She doesn't seem bothered by the fact that Vira could or would try to stand in her way. It's not unexpected even if it'd be something she wouldn't like.
There's something conflicting in her gaze for a moment, almost... hesitant or wondering before it's gone. ]
My wish now doesn't have much to do with him. I would chase after him still, for one reason or another, but he's not my everything. He never will be.
[ There is something alike in them, she thinks—Vira doesn't anticipate that either of them would allow another to be an obstacle to their wants, no matter how different their definitions of love are.
She gently tucks her bangs behind her ear, thinking. ]
...Is he not?
[ ...No, he really didn't seem to be. She's quiet for a moment. ]
[ Medb may have been obsessed with Cú Chulainn, and she may still be, but if he were only thing she wants, she wouldn't be aligned with Greed. She always wants too much.
She considers the question for a moment. She doesn't see the harm in answering it. ]
[ It can be a difficult thing to share the motivations of why one truly came here. And they all have their reasons, big or small—at Medb's she simply nods. It's a wish that suits someone marked by Greed. ]
That's a lofty goal. Though you were a queen once already, weren't you? It seems a dream within your reach.
I've considered whether it matters, that I achieve my dreams by my own hand. Or is it more important that one is ready to do whatever it takes? What it is I came here for...
[ Well. She's not here to be existential. ]
In any case, as you've said before, men marry you to become queen. You do not need them to find success or happiness, of that I'm certain. [ She does not need Cu Chulainn to be Medb. ]
Is coming here not grasping what you want by your own hands, too? Even if you are obtaining power you wouldn't have normally, you're still doing something to gain that, aren't you? Why does it have to be one or the other? It can be both.
[ Greed is real and apparent in the way Medb thinks and operates, but it is more than simply greed. It doesn't do anyone to close their mind to possibilities. Fairness, as impartial as it is supposed to be, has no place where the heart may go. ]
I do not need men, but they do not hurt to have by my side. [ She is unfortunately not a misandrist like the more valid Vira is. ]
[ It's fine, we can't all be misandrists. Medb is bi and valid.
Vira seems to consider what she says for a moment. About power, about people, about dreams. And then she frowns thinly. ]
I'm no longer sure.
[ It's not something she'd admit to everyone, but she's fairly sure Medb would see through a lie right now. ]
I think... sometime during that adventure of ours last week, I forgot something. [ she gives it another moment of thought before shrugging. ] But if I had to guess, I came here wishing for a challenge.
[ That's a little unsettling, if Medb gives it more than a few seconds of thought. For this place to be able to take something from them like that... she shouldn't be surprised, but she is a little.
Anger also flashes in her eyes for the briefest of moments. ]
A challenge? [ She doesn't know if that sounds quite right, but she doesn't know enough to say it's wrong either. ]
We will need to find a way to have what was lost to you returned to you. Someone like you should be in full possession of your goals.
[ She looks pleasantly surprised by the reaction—though when she smiles, it's a little tired. She remembers love, she remembers boredom—strange stretches of life that she can't seem to form the connections between. ]
I know myself well enough to know I must've had a good reason.
[ She's confident enough for that, at least. ]
Still, I'm grateful you would be so determined for my sake. Hopefully it is a passing ailment.
[ She levels her a slightly weary look, drained of something. ]
I appreciate your enthusiasm for my sake, but—
[ Too much eye contact, so it's memshare time! (13:40-17:20, early gbf is SO stock anime, sorry in advance)
The moment comes—the culmination of your lies, your schemes. You have spent the last six years as an immaculate commander, an impartial arbitrator, a respected lord, and you would give up the status in the world for this one, singular opportunity.
This is how it should go: you convince Katalina to stay, spinning together some sad story about how the island needs the sacrifice of a true knight. You tell her you can barter for immunity for her beloved comrades, who have been on the run for so long. You dangle what the Empire's army wants in front of their noses, just so you have another piece on the board, and everything goes as it should. Katalina—beautiful Katalina who can be kind and brilliant and so incredibly stupid—will agree to your terms. She feels guilt over what she did to you, after all. She shouldn't, but she does, and you will use that if you must.
The only space you've left for her in the skies is next to you. But there is a girl wreathed in blue who is somehow, slowly, certainly convincing Katalina to leave you.
Again.
"Vira, I won't give up!"
And you won't stand for it—these people are dregs, liars, muck that sucks at Katalina's feet and drags her down. You drop the sweetness from your voice—the honeyed words you save only for Katalina—and for a moment, the empty, steely part of you speaks instead. It has always been your more genuine self, the person you were before Katalina. The resigned, solitary girl you have always been.
"Oh, really?" (It's tiresome. Don't skyfarers ever get tired of spouting such fatuous nonsense?) "Then I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you completely."
There is no hesitation in you. You'll rip these parasitic bonds that have tangled Katalina up, and you'll never, ever ever be apart again. Even if it's all lies. Even if you've spent six years in miserable loneliness, even if she surely has not thought of you with all the aching, devouring longing that you have, even if she feels so guilty looking at you that she could not even visit you once on this citadel that you have no choice but to call home. (You do not know if she loves you back—you don't ask yourself if that matters.)
Even so, all you want is to be beside her. It's all you've ever wanted, because she is all you've ever had, and you do not think you can survive the loss of your entire world a second time. So you'll fight, and you'll raze everything down until it's just the two of you, and as Luminiera's power whips through you, warping your armor, filling your mind and body with a manic, unearthly energy—
You smile, and you wreak havoc.
...The Vira of present, however, just looks puzzled when they both emerge from the depths of her memory. ]
[ There is something both very familiar and very foreign to these feelings expressed by Vira. The desire, the immediacy in which she'd bring the whole world crashing down for person she wants the most is something Medb knows, the way she looked down on others is also something she knows.
The yearning and the longing are aches that she isn't sure she knows, and it's what knocks her breath away the most. That miserable loneliness—
Is this what Vira has forgotten? ]
... Was all that a mystery to you?
[ Because Medb thinks it's all the more shame if it is. ]
[ Medb reaches to gently touch the back of Vira's hand. ]
For what you could not see, I am... Is it terrible to say I am glad to have seen it? It's an invasion of your privacy, but those strong feelings of yours... they're admirable, in a way.
[ They may not be good or great or all too healthy, but Medb doesn't think they're any less wonderful. ]
You could not fault me for my ambitions, and I cannot fault you for yours.
[ They aren't good, great, or healthy, but Vira doesn't look ashamed of them. She doesn't seem to mind that Medb gets to see.
If anything, she just regrets that she can't remember what they're for, her hand stiff and tense beneath Medb's. She accepts her feelings and mistakes, but to lose the source of all her desperate, frenetic love?
It leaves her feeling empty. Maybe that's why she's been so affected, lately. ]
That's a generous way to put it. But... thank you. I am not ashamed of who I am, even if that person is not admirable, or gentle, or kind.
[ She smiles, largely insincere, though the hesitation in how she tentatively puts her other hand atop Medb's seems more genuine. ]
And it is the same for knowing you. [ Medb is not a good person, but she does not regret meeting her. ]
I am not ashamed of who I am either or any of the choices I've made.
[ Her history shapes her in more ways than one. There is no escaping it when all she can be is a reflection of it. She is not static and she is not immutable, but there are some things that must always remain. ]
I am happy to know you, too. And you are admirable. From what I've come to know and see in you here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
PRETEND THAT SAYS W2 ABOVE time is fake
You are dying, wounded and injured beyond anything you'd normally allow to happen to you.
The Holy Grail could heal you if you wished for it, but you've already made your wish, haven't you? Once, twice, you've made a wish.
(—Very well, this is my wish: To make Cú Chulainn king. A wicked king, enough to rival even me.)
And he did turn out to be a wicked king equal to even you, didn't he? This man you hated, this man you couldn't forgive, this man you wanted to have more than anything else—
Is he everything you wanted? Is someone who is the least kingly king in the world who you wanted? Is someone who sealed away their joy once they became king someone you wanted?
You think, you love Cú Chulainn. You love him so much. You wanted him so much you made a wish for him. You love him you love him you love him—
But is it love? You're happy he praised you finally. After all this time, he finally praised you. He acknowledged you as someone by his side. He acknowledged you as queen, and you are happy.
Is this love? Do you know what love is?
All you know is in your final moments is that you wanted someone who could be by your side. Someone worthy to be by your side. Someone who wants to be by your side.
Someone who could love you for who you are, for everything that you are.
And you don't know if you've ever had that. For all the lovers you've ever had, have you ever had that? Have you ever been truly loved? Have you ever loved?
Isn't it funny? How much you don't know if you know love once you think about it.
Isn't it funny? That you're using something you once created to go after the man next to you in order to aid him? Isn't it? Isn't it funny?
(Even now, you know he isn't yours, but you're dying, so it's okay to say so, isn't it?)
Those that oppose you think so little of your ambitions, of how strong your desires are, of what made you queen.
This is your legend.
You'd go to any lengths just for you want, and even as you die, you say that you've been saved, but have you?
You're angry, humiliated, and vexed, but helping someone you (think you) love—
Is this what you wanted?
Your final wish on the grail could destroy everything in this era, if it succeeds. ]
No—
[ Medb sucks in a quick breath and watches Vira very carefully. ]
ilu ara
It's overwhelming, but Vira holds it all until the smoke clears and they're in the gardens.
She exhales slowly, taking a seat as she processes her own feelings separate from Medb's, grounding herself in the reality of the greenery and roses around her. It takes a moment as she searches for words, speaking softly. ]
...Love is a complicated thing, isn't it? So barbed and painful for all that it is beautiful.
[ So very, very confusing. ]
you love my mistakes
There is so much in that memory that could be damning. There is nothing that Medb won't stand by still, as terrible as she is, but the humiliation of her loss is fresh in her mind (of all her losses—the country that could have been hers, the Cú that could have, should have been hers, as broken as she made him).
Why does Vira focus on this when there are other things that are telling? ]
... I didn't use to think it was complicated.
[ It's strange (pitiful) that this has to come up like this.
Medb always knows what she wants and desires, but is that love? ]
I chase after whatever I want because that's how I am.
i love ara's mistakes and ara
I will not fault ambition, though I may have stood in your way, if circumstances called for it. Because I am not someone who would give up what she wants, either.
[ She will admit it freely, because she would save the world if she had to, if it meant saving what she loved in it. She would destroy what she needs to, as well. ]
But had you discovered what you truly wanted, by the end of things?
no subject
That is something I like about you, Vira.
[ Her words are soft but not untrue. Vira's drive is something Medb likes a lot. She doesn't seem bothered by the fact that Vira could or would try to stand in her way. It's not unexpected even if it'd be something she wouldn't like.
There's something conflicting in her gaze for a moment, almost... hesitant or wondering before it's gone. ]
My wish now doesn't have much to do with him. I would chase after him still, for one reason or another, but he's not my everything. He never will be.
no subject
She gently tucks her bangs behind her ear, thinking. ]
...Is he not?
[ ...No, he really didn't seem to be. She's quiet for a moment. ]
Would you tell me what your wish is, then?
no subject
She considers the question for a moment. She doesn't see the harm in answering it. ]
I want to build a nation.
no subject
That's a lofty goal. Though you were a queen once already, weren't you? It seems a dream within your reach.
no subject
[ It's literally history, and it is what gives her as much power that she has.
She's too prideful to hide everything about herself with as little room for shame as she has. ]
I no longer care to change the past, and I care more to look to the present and future.
no subject
[ ... ]
I've considered whether it matters, that I achieve my dreams by my own hand. Or is it more important that one is ready to do whatever it takes? What it is I came here for...
[ Well. She's not here to be existential. ]
In any case, as you've said before, men marry you to become queen. You do not need them to find success or happiness, of that I'm certain. [ She does not need Cu Chulainn to be Medb. ]
no subject
[ Greed is real and apparent in the way Medb thinks and operates, but it is more than simply greed. It doesn't do anyone to close their mind to possibilities. Fairness, as impartial as it is supposed to be, has no place where the heart may go. ]
I do not need men, but they do not hurt to have by my side. [ She is unfortunately not a misandrist like the more valid Vira is. ]
Vira, what did you come here for?
no subject
Vira seems to consider what she says for a moment. About power, about people, about dreams. And then she frowns thinly. ]
I'm no longer sure.
[ It's not something she'd admit to everyone, but she's fairly sure Medb would see through a lie right now. ]
I think... sometime during that adventure of ours last week, I forgot something. [ she gives it another moment of thought before shrugging. ] But if I had to guess, I came here wishing for a challenge.
no subject
Anger also flashes in her eyes for the briefest of moments. ]
A challenge? [ She doesn't know if that sounds quite right, but she doesn't know enough to say it's wrong either. ]
We will need to find a way to have what was lost to you returned to you. Someone like you should be in full possession of your goals.
no subject
I know myself well enough to know I must've had a good reason.
[ She's confident enough for that, at least. ]
Still, I'm grateful you would be so determined for my sake. Hopefully it is a passing ailment.
no subject
[ She puts her hands on her hips. Is she standing in this thread so she can do that? She is now! ]
no subject
I appreciate your enthusiasm for my sake, but—
[ Too much eye contact, so it's memshare time! (13:40-17:20, early gbf is SO stock anime, sorry in advance)
The moment comes—the culmination of your lies, your schemes. You have spent the last six years as an immaculate commander, an impartial arbitrator, a respected lord, and you would give up the status in the world for this one, singular opportunity.
This is how it should go: you convince Katalina to stay, spinning together some sad story about how the island needs the sacrifice of a true knight. You tell her you can barter for immunity for her beloved comrades, who have been on the run for so long. You dangle what the Empire's army wants in front of their noses, just so you have another piece on the board, and everything goes as it should. Katalina—beautiful Katalina who can be kind and brilliant and so incredibly stupid—will agree to your terms. She feels guilt over what she did to you, after all. She shouldn't, but she does, and you will use that if you must.
The only space you've left for her in the skies is next to you. But there is a girl wreathed in blue who is somehow, slowly, certainly convincing Katalina to leave you.
Again.
"Vira, I won't give up!"
And you won't stand for it—these people are dregs, liars, muck that sucks at Katalina's feet and drags her down. You drop the sweetness from your voice—the honeyed words you save only for Katalina—and for a moment, the empty, steely part of you speaks instead. It has always been your more genuine self, the person you were before Katalina. The resigned, solitary girl you have always been.
"Oh, really?" (It's tiresome. Don't skyfarers ever get tired of spouting such fatuous nonsense?) "Then I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you completely."
There is no hesitation in you. You'll rip these parasitic bonds that have tangled Katalina up, and you'll never, ever ever be apart again. Even if it's all lies. Even if you've spent six years in miserable loneliness, even if she surely has not thought of you with all the aching, devouring longing that you have, even if she feels so guilty looking at you that she could not even visit you once on this citadel that you have no choice but to call home. (You do not know if she loves you back—you don't ask yourself if that matters.)
Even so, all you want is to be beside her. It's all you've ever wanted, because she is all you've ever had, and you do not think you can survive the loss of your entire world a second time. So you'll fight, and you'll raze everything down until it's just the two of you, and as Luminiera's power whips through you, warping your armor, filling your mind and body with a manic, unearthly energy—
You smile, and you wreak havoc.
...The Vira of present, however, just looks puzzled when they both emerge from the depths of her memory. ]
no subject
The yearning and the longing are aches that she isn't sure she knows, and it's what knocks her breath away the most. That miserable loneliness—
Is this what Vira has forgotten? ]
... Was all that a mystery to you?
[ Because Medb thinks it's all the more shame if it is. ]
no subject
Parts of it I could not see clearly. Though those feelings are certainly mine...
[ It's all very patchwork. ]
no subject
For what you could not see, I am... Is it terrible to say I am glad to have seen it? It's an invasion of your privacy, but those strong feelings of yours... they're admirable, in a way.
[ They may not be good or great or all too healthy, but Medb doesn't think they're any less wonderful. ]
You could not fault me for my ambitions, and I cannot fault you for yours.
no subject
If anything, she just regrets that she can't remember what they're for, her hand stiff and tense beneath Medb's. She accepts her feelings and mistakes, but to lose the source of all her desperate, frenetic love?
It leaves her feeling empty. Maybe that's why she's been so affected, lately. ]
That's a generous way to put it. But... thank you. I am not ashamed of who I am, even if that person is not admirable, or gentle, or kind.
[ She smiles, largely insincere, though the hesitation in how she tentatively puts her other hand atop Medb's seems more genuine. ]
And it is the same for knowing you. [ Medb is not a good person, but she does not regret meeting her. ]
no subject
[ Her history shapes her in more ways than one. There is no escaping it when all she can be is a reflection of it. She is not static and she is not immutable, but there are some things that must always remain. ]
I am happy to know you, too. And you are admirable. From what I've come to know and see in you here.
I do hope that memory returns to you.